I love chastity, it’s something I’ve always taken great pleasure in exploring with my subs. As a dominatrix, I’ve stopped questioning my kinks any more, accepting them as part of my day to day life- it’s not something I’ve ever had to question. But when chastity is referenced I’m often posed the same question- Why?
Thinking about this made me wonder about my caged subs, and what their motivation was to get locked up. It always felt like a no brainer- that desire to be fully owned and controlled by me. But it did have me thinking about it deeper, and what the relationship between keyholder and the caged meant to them.
During lock down I had to make a conscious effort to stay in contact with my subs and check in on them when I couldn't visit them in person, so I would host live chats every Friday evening. During these chats, two of my submissives began to bond over a mutual common interest they held- chastity. It was lovely to be able to see these men who had never met exchange thoughts and support each other through their challenges.
Seeing this inspired me to sit them down and talk to them about their experience with chastity, and what motivated them both to hand over control of their orgasms. Having them open up with me really helped me to not only understand it from their perspective, but to really reflect on what made it such an important part of my experience as a dominant.
I first met Sub J in person just over a year ago now. He’s been caged for me on and off since then, for a total of 220 and up to 80 days at a time with it being a very integral part of our dynamic and our sessions. He’d already begun to explore chastity before he submitted to me and he has a rather amazing chastity cage that locks through your PA piercing, which I really love!
Sub R I’ve been seeing a while longer. I don’t see him in person often as sub J, but he is very experienced in chastity and has been locked up for me for upto 6 months. In total in 2020 he did over 200 days of the year locked for me! I’m so impressed by his commitment and dedication.
Miss A: When did you first start to think about chastity?
Sub R: I first found out about chastity in college when I started to explore my submission and kinks. I saw it in some porn and on blogs but didn't really understand it. I was not turned on by it at that time and really never saw myself being into it. Maybe it was my 18 year old hormones but being denied an orgasm then just sounded awful!
Sub J: I'd been interested in female domination and sexual power exchange for a long time but the chastity spark was only ignited about five years ago when I discovered an internet gallery of guys wearing cages. They looked so hot. I then read people's experiences of chastity and I was immediately hooked.
Miss A: What made you finally take the leap?
Sub J: Quite simply I wanted to see if I would have anything like the same sort of experience. And I wanted to know what a cage actually felt like.
Sub R: After exploring lots of areas of my submission and evolving as a submissive, I gradually realized chastity and denial were very erotic. Being denied a most basic form or pleasure. Handing over control of orgasms or just getting an erection finally clicked in my mind as an amazing form of submission.
Miss A: Could you ever self lock? How important is it for you to have a keyholder?
Sub J: I was self-locked initially. I would lock for a few days here and there, mostly to increase the pleasure of my eventual orgasm, but it soon became a rather empty experience. It is a thousand times better with a keyholder. To discover all the rewards chastity can offer, you need to be in chastity 'to someone'. But a keyholder isn't a person who passively holds your key, it is someone you want to give control to (and not to 'top-from-the-bottom'), and they enjoy taking that control too. It's definitely a two-way relationship.
Miss A: I don’t understand it personally!! For me, obviously, it’s all about relinquishing control to someone and about the interaction. I definitely have noticed you’ve really flourished having a key holder. It clearly means a lot to you and our relationship is definitely mutual!
Sub R: I have self locked in the past but it doesn't really do much for me. The denial in and of itself is not what I find to be enjoyable. It's the connection of being controlled or locked by someone else that I find erotic. I need to have interaction with my keyholder to find fulfillment in denial. Someone to share the play or suffering with.
Miss A: That totally makes sense to me! How has chastity changed your relationship with submission?
Sub J: I cannot imagine submission without chastity, particularly as I like to submit 24/7. Being in chastity deepens my submission and I feel strengthens the connection to my Mistress. The cage is a wonderful ever-present reminder of my status. Being able to masturbate and orgasm whenever I like would ruin that, and it would be so disrespectful to my Mistress. I also find the longer I am locked, the more submissive I am becoming. I yearn to please my Mistress and to lose myself totally to her wishes when we play.
Miss A: I totally see how you become more submissive the longer you’re caged! The sense of yearning is palpable. As a keyholder, I obviously adore seeing the effect it has on you psychologically. And I love to play with your increasing levels of frustration, haha.
Sub R: Chastity is amazing for deepening submission. At first it starts out mentally easy and then quickly builds. My mental state in chastity takes me soooooo much deeper into a submissive state. After being denied several weeks I find myself continually becoming more entranced, craving more submission, more control. Being open to do more and more degrading/ submissive things that may not be accepted as willingly when having just had an orgasm. It is interesting to think about how denial makes some things seem super sexy and hot, but immediately after the orgasm the same thing could be repulsive and a total turn off.
Miss A: It’s something we talk about a lot! Truly fascinating.
Sub J: So, if a sub contacts you begging to allow him to release himself for an orgasm, do you persuade him otherwise?
Miss A: If a sub asked to be released because it was causing them emotional distress or because they were in pain or had become infected, I would obviously let them out immediately. But if they’re crying at me because they want an orgasm? Very little sympathy. Having little sympathy makes it a lot easier to say no- denial is the point. I know that the second they had their orgasm they would likely be repentant and regret it, and I’d be a bad dominant if I let them wonder into that situation too easily, unless it was to teach them a worthwhile lesson about control. Usually explaining that to them is enough. If my submissive insists on release for relief, they better expect it’ll come with a forfeit.
Sub R: What does chastity mean to YOU?
Miss A: Chastity isn’t a one way kink. It’s definitely something that really takes both parties to be genuinely engaged in to work properly, otherwise you’re just going through the motions. I get a huge kick from the level of control and submission you experience through chastity. It’s the power dynamic. I’m also endlessly fascinated by the various stages men go through once caged- the horniness, frustration, mood swings, neediness, irritability, followed by deep submission, calm and surrender. It’s beautiful actually. I love how they all go through the same things almost within the same time frame. I’ve said it before… Fascinating.
I also love incorporating tech into kink, so being able to explore distance training through apps, video content for tease, photos etc etc… It just makes it all so much more exciting.
Boys, back to you. What have you struggled with most about chastity?
Sub J: Finding a device that is both comfortable and secure does take time. Sleeping in chastity also needs patience. I still occasionally wake with morning wood, but most nights I sleep pretty well. A perfectly installed cage is actually a joy to wear. Aside from the fit, struggling at times with the urge for release is of course part of the journey. I've found it tends to build and become very intense over the first two weeks or so locked but, beyond that, it evolves to a glorious plateau of constant warm arousal that is simply incredible.
Sub R: The biggest struggle I have had is finding a comfortable device. Chastity should involve some discomfort but not outright pain. If a submissive is feeling pain, then the device is not a good fit and should be removed immediately. On the mental side, the struggle begins as a mild want, then over time builds into a burning desire. It's this deep yearning to get hard, to have some stimulation, and ultimately an orgasm that starts to creep into my thoughts.
Miss A: When you're struggling, what helps you through?
Sub J: I find it helps to relax and go with the flow, so it's about being kind to yourself and being open with your keyholder. If it's a health issue, remove the device and take a break. But otherwise intense moments for me are like being on a ship in a stormy ocean, where I am riding the waves, and it does pass (physical exercise can also help). Talk to your keyholder too, and their words of encouragement and reassurance will help a lot.
Sub R: Interaction with my Dominant always helps. Being denied stimulation/ orgasm AND being denied communication with a Top is a bad combination. While it can still be a struggle to be teased and denied, it's a much better mental state for me than just being locked and forgotten about. The tease/ interaction is part of what makes chastity enjoyable. My Top acknowledging my suffering really makes it all worth it.
Miss A: That totally makes sense. I always try to make sure I check in as often as possible with my caged subs whilst they’re locked, check in on them and interact. I don’t want to forget them and leave them there gathering dust!
Sub R: So would you say that real time interaction is important to you as a keyholder?
Miss A: Hmm. I mean, interaction is very very important. It’s where all the fun is! Real time with my subs in general is super important but I do see chastity as so accessible long distance, that I can manage without. Technology is so advanced these days that it’s really easy to make it engaged, interactive and fulfilling even if you are miles or oceans apart.
Sub J: On that topic- how do you make sure you care for the needs of the sub in long term chastity who may be vulnerable and have constant feeling of denial but also growing affection in a way that isn’t exhausting or drains your own energy?
Miss A: J, that’s such a thoughtful and empathic question, I really appreciate you asking that. That’s definitely one of the harder parts of being a dominant and having responsibility over others well -being. You want to care for their needs and protect them without draining yourself. It’s easy to over commit. If I’m emotionally depleted, I’m not going to be in a fit state to look after my boys! So it’s important to look after myself. I would say little and often. Make regular contact but in small doses, and ensure there is down time in between. Make contact when you’re happy, positive and well rested for both of your well being. Make sure they’re aware that they can contact you when they want, but they aren’t owed an immediate response- that you’ll get back to them as and when you’re able.
Enough about me- onto the next question, boys. What would be your best tip for anyone looking to explore chastity?
Sub J: There are good forums and blogs on the internet, written by people with extensive real-life experience of chastity. Spend some time reading their accounts and device reviews. The forums also have advice on introducing chastity to a vanilla partner if that applies to you. When you're ready to try a device, measure yourself very carefully and look for one that closely matches your measurements. The rewards of chastity are many, but it’s a marathon not a sprint.
If you don't have someone who could be your keyholder, I'd also recommend looking for a professional dominant who offers a keyholding service. And even if you just start on-line, it's a good idea to approach a professional who also offers in-person sessions - in case eventually you want to go the next step and experience full chastity play, and the wider world of dominance and submission. And don't let nerves put you off approaching a professional, it's understandable but a good pro is used to seeing nervous first-timers, and they will do their best to put you at ease so you have a wonderful time.
Miss A: This is great advice J, thank you! You’ve clearly really lived through this.
Sub R: Go slow. Find a device that fits you comfortably. Find a Top that you trust and can be open with.
Miss A: How does chastity affect your sexuality?
Sub J: I felt for many years that I was more comfortable in a submissive role, and chastity has helped me to explore that further. I'm not sure it's had any effect on my orientation, but over time it is shifting my focus away from my orgasm as a primary source of my sexual pleasure. I see chastity as a very loving act, that my enjoyment comes from pleasing and being used by my Mistress, and my Mistress enjoys that control over me.
Sub R: Obviously chastity stops me from having traditional sex. But it opens up an almost tantric place in the brain where denial and yearning become what I crave. After a long denial period, I get to a place where I almost don't want it to end. The submission has consumed me so much I'm always in a bit of a sexualized state even while not being physically stimulated.
Miss A: Has chastity enhanced any aspects of your life outside of your sexuality/submission?
Sub J: I think I am a bit calmer - well, some of the time. And I've also got a few extra minutes now each day to do something more productive! ;-)
Sub R: Chastity helps me focus on things other than direct sexual pleasure. It certainly helps cut back on wasteful porn watching and refocuses my time in more productive endeavors. I'm also a bit of a service slave, so when in chastity I am able to focus my energy into my chores and other work.
Miss A: I always notice this with subs! At first they can become very emotional and scatty, but with long term chastity they definitely mellow. And they’re a lot more focused once they don’t have their cocks causing them an endless distraction, haha. I recommend it for all business men!
Sub R: Did you find in lock down more of your boys expressed an interest in being locked up?
Miss A: Haha, that’s a great question! I definitely have heard that there has been a boom in chastity as people have been trapped indoors- I guess they have the time to explore it and don’t need to worry about travel, swimming, etc. I did notice I got more interactions. I think lots of men became lonely in lock down and really missed kink and they D/S dynamic. Not only is chastity great for bonding with your keyholder… It’s also one of the few kinks that you can thoroughly explore together even if you’re both trapped in different parts of the country! So I’m really grateful that the pandemic didn’t impact on that. Every massive, life altering black cloud has a little silver lining I guess…
Sub R: That makes sense to me!
Miss A: So, you’ve both been caged for the duration of the time that you’ve submitted to me. How does chastity change your relationship with your Mistress? Me, that is!
Sub J: It's absolutely fundamental to my relationship. Whilst it's true a big early motivation for me was exploring tease and denial play, over the months I've come to treasure being in chastity as a lifestyle choice and a symbol of my commitment. I admit the cage does aid my submission, that's just how (like many men) my desires were biologically wired, but I see my love for my Mistress being based on our relationship, the care she gives me, and I hope the enjoyment I can give her in return as a sub. Mistress knows that she can - whenever she wishes - give me the gift of my orgasm (and it is a gift), and I am completely content with this being entirely her decision.
Miss A: That’s right. It’s definitely always been integral to our play and our relationship. It’s a great way to feel close to you when you aren’t around. (Sub J lives outside of London.) I also really love that sometimes when you visit me I’ll release you and other days I prefer to keep you locked and frustrated until the next time. I never want you to expect release from me.
Sub R: Chastity absolutely brings me closer to my Mistress. It makes me crave pleasing her more and more as my submission continues to build to ever greater heights with each day of denial. I think one of the deepest relationships is that between a submissive and their key holder.
Miss A: Here’s a good one. What do you miss the most about being unlocked
Sub J: Peeing standing up! Sitting is not a problem at home, but can at times be annoying when queuing for public loos or if needing a comfort stop during a long country walk.
Miss A: Hahaha. Aaaaw.
Sub R: I do miss having the ability to stroke myself, even if not to orgasm. It's such a simple thing but very powerful. I also enjoy the carefree nature of being unlocked. When in a cage I need to think about being extra clean and also what clothing I wear and if my cage is showing under my gym shorts, etc.
Miss A: Ultimately, what are your goals for chastity?
Sub J: I'm learning that chastity (and my submission) evolves in amazing ways the longer I am locked without release. I am fascinated by men who are in near permanent chastity and say they no longer desire orgasms, as they derive much greater pleasure from serving their keyholders, and how intensely rewarding and fulfilling that is - for both of them. I'm relaxed whether that ultimately happens to me, as for now I'm just taking each day locked to my wonderful Mistress as it comes, and enjoying the discoveries together with her.
Sub R: I would have to say chastity goals are to deepen my relationship with my key holder, disconnect sex from orgasm, grow to become a better submissive, and focus on Her needs not my own.
Miss A: Thank you boys so much for talking to me about this. It’s felt so heartwarming to hear about your experiences and how chastity has impacted your lives. I can’t tell you how lovely it is that the experience has brought you together and to see you support each other! Adorable. And I can’t wait to see where this journey takes us.