While I was doing research and outreach for my article exploring sub drop, one of the people I got in contact with was Madam Rita. She is a domme based in Riga, Latvia. She’s also a part of the Hel Dungeon team.
During my time getting to know her this year, she’s been quite vocal about her experiences as a sub in the past and currently as a domme. This gives her a diverse perspective on the topic based on real world experience, which is the reason why I approached her to discuss this subject.
Now, let’s dive into the interview!
Have you ever experienced sub drop and/or dom drop?
“Yes, as a Dom and as a sub as well.”
What does it look like for you?
“It doesn’t happen often, but when it does – I feel energetically drained. Empty. As if I have given away everything I had and a little bit more. I would describe this state as deep physical and mental apathy.
I would like to mention that the fact I experienced a Dom drop after a session does not mean that the energy exchange was not somehow equal, or I think or feel that I gave away more than my sub gave me back. If drops happen, they usually come after very bright experiences, and it gives a hint that most likely the session had something very meaningful, emotional, important in it. If during the session I got into Domspace, there are chances I will experience lows after highs and have a Domdrop.
As a sub – as far as I can remember because it was years and years ago when I just started – it was a feeling very close to despair. Actually, a mix of feelings. Being extremely sad without any visible reasons, feeling alone and very lonely. Being overwhelmed with partly unexplainable feelings.”
How long after the scene does the drop usually happen for you?
“My drops usually come later – when the scene is not taking place anymore. Sometimes it can be the next day or the day after that. I know that this can be true for other people as well, and this is why I always do follow-ups with my subs for the next couple of days. It doesn’t take much – to give this confirmation that I am here just in case you need me and I do care about how you feel today.
Sometimes for the ones who are experiencing a drop it is enough to have this space with the other person, to freely share their thoughts and feelings and know that they are not bothering you because they received this proactive invite. Even if it is just over a text.”
Are there any specific type of scenes that cause the drop for you? Which ones?
“As I mentioned before – usually those are the scenes that play some significant role, either for myself or for our dynamics with my sub. And those are not always rough or extreme physical or psychological sessions, sometimes my drops are caused by something very mundane and ordinary. But what happened played an enormous role for me personally, even if it was not intended that way initially.
An example: in the middle of the session, a sub asked if they could call me Daddy. I thought about it for a second and responded: "I am fine with that." It was not something that would strike me on the spot, and while it was fun – I did not consider that to be something outstanding or emotional.
A day later my Dom drop arrived, and I was forced to reflect (because I always do). The drop initiated inner rumination and lots of thoughts about gender roles within BDSM, gender roles in general, my self-perception and how other people perceive me, and to my surprise I realised I had to give myself permission to behave and act in a more ‘manly’ manner.
This is a very simplified description of these reflections because they touched some deep things, and it took me several days to understand how meaningful at the end was this innocent request: “Madame, may I call you Daddy?” It definitely played a further role in the development of my personality.”
As a dom, how do you deal with a sub who is experiencing a drop?
“I truly believe that dealing with potential sub drops starts way earlier than the drops themselves. I usually ask my subs if they have ever experienced sub drop before, and we talk it through. If they have had such experience, they will give me some useful insights and what the best ways for me as their Dom might be to handle that. If they haven’t experienced that, this is still important.
First, we can discuss what it is and how to deal with it. Secondly, by talking about it, I can already confirm that I will be there to help and support them in case that happens.
The next important thing is aftercare after the session. It is a mandatory stage at the end of the session and even its absence can cause a drop. I truly believe that with aftercare we can significantly lower the chances or the severity of drops because aftercare is the process that provides this more gradual transition from intense experiences to life-as-usual.
I check on my sub more often, especially after sessions that were physically, mentally or emotionally higher intensity for them. I think it is important to give more than one notice about my readiness and intention to be there for them.
The exact Dom’s actions can be different for each submissive they play with. And if I have prepared for a possibility of sub drop before – I have pretty good knowledge about what I should do.”
Is there anything else that others should know about experiencing a sub and/or drop?
“It is alright to experience sub drops and Dom drops, and just the presence of drops doesn’t mean that something went wrong, often quite the opposite – the experience was so colourful that life feels grey after it. I really want to make an emphasis on the importance of reflections though because this is not only the way to catch those times when something actually went wrong (and talk with your Dom or sub about it), but also a great opportunity to reveal meaningful, important, significant aspects of self and grow and evolve as a personality.
Also… I have a feeling that even within BDSM communities we talk a lot about sub drops and somehow do not pay that much attention to Dom drops. So I’d like to add a reminder for all the submissives reading this: even if your Dominant is always handling their feelings very well, and you have an impression they are the strongest person in the whole world, please, check in on them especially after intense and emotional sessions. All it takes is a simple question: “How do you feel today?””
Now that we’ve gotten Madam Rita’s perspective on the drop topic, I’d like to thank her for sharing her thoughts with us at House of Denial. If you’d like to follow Madam Rita and see what she’s up to, the best way to connect with her is on Fetlife.
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